So this was a tough training week, I did everything on the schedule but I had more than a few bad workouts and it left me wondering what the heck I was doing. All the old negative talk came flooding back…”you’re too slow”…”you’re too fat”…”you’re too old to be doing this”…and the old favorite “you’re not good enough”. Last week I joined a master swim team and they are really fast, I mean crazy fast. The same week I start a new running group run by my new coach. They are all Boston bound and let’s just say I have a snowballs chance in hell of qualifying for Boston (never say never but). The combination of the two have left me wondering what I was thinking, I am not this kind of person, the kind that needs a master swim team or a coach, who am I kidding.
Driving home last night I was quite depressed and then a little voice started to talk back to me…’”you are good enough”…..” you’re faster than you were a year ago”….”you’re young in spirit”...”just keep moving forward”. I think it is easy to compare ourselves to others, others who have a perfect body, who run faster or swim further but that is so not the point. I started this journey because I never wanted to go back to the place I was in 2009 when my own “Fat Stranger” was staring back at me in the mirror. Looking back I can see how far I have come, I will never be the fastest but I am working at being the best I can be, to work as hard as my body will let me and to have fun along the way.
I think everyone has moments of self doubt, it is human nature but it is how we deal with it is what matters. I did not go home and stuff my face full of food (OK the 2 gingerbread cheesecake bite were not on my plan but I stopped at 2), I did not throw out my training plan and I did not throw in the towel. I was a bit grumpy, sorry Neale, but by the time I got home I realized I was the kind of person who belonged on the master swim team and deserved a coach because I want to get better, to dream big dreams and to improve. This is not to say I may never have moments like this again, when I doubt myself and what I am doing but when I do I know that little voice will pipe up again to remind me that being me is good enough.....and to keep moving forward.