So this was a tough training week, I did everything on the
schedule but I had more than a few bad workouts and it left me wondering what
the heck I was doing. All the old
negative talk came flooding back…”you’re too slow”…”you’re too fat”…”you’re too
old to be doing this”…and the old favorite “you’re not good enough”. Last week I joined a master swim team and
they are really fast, I mean crazy fast.
The same week I start a new running group run by my new coach. They are all Boston bound and let’s just say
I have a snowballs chance in hell of qualifying for Boston (never say never
but). The combination of the two have
left me wondering what I was thinking, I am not this kind of person, the kind
that needs a master swim team or a coach, who am I kidding.
Driving home last night I was quite depressed and then a
little voice started to talk back to me…’”you are good enough”…..” you’re
faster than you were a year ago”….”you’re young in spirit”...”just keep moving
forward”. I think it is easy to compare
ourselves to others, others who have a perfect body, who run faster or swim
further but that is so not the point. I
started this journey because I never wanted to go back to the place I was in
2009 when my own “Fat Stranger” was staring back at me in the mirror. Looking back I can see how far I have come, I
will never be the fastest but I am working at being the best I can be, to work
as hard as my body will let me and to have fun along the way.
I think everyone has moments of self doubt, it is human
nature but it is how we deal with it is what matters. I did not go home and stuff my face full of
food (OK the 2 gingerbread cheesecake bite were not on my plan but I stopped at
2), I did not throw out my training plan and I did not throw in the towel. I was a bit grumpy, sorry Neale, but by the
time I got home I realized I was the kind of person who belonged on the master
swim team and deserved a coach because I want to get better, to dream big
dreams and to improve. This is not to
say I may never have moments like this again, when I doubt myself and what I am
doing but when I do I know that little voice will pipe up again to remind me that being me is good enough.....and to keep moving forward.
I've been there. I had serious doubts about my abilities after a run this fall with the run club where I trailed in at the end of a run, everyone else had finished. They had taken off like a shot, and I just couldn't keep up the pace. I felt slow, out of shape, and wondered why I was doing this crazy stuff. part of me wondered if I was ever going to be able to measure up to the faster, mor athletic women.
ReplyDeleteBut that is just it. Why am I trying to measure? I am good enough for where I am in my fitness right now. I am improving at my pace, no one elses. The pressure for me to run further and faster is there, and sometimes I beat myself up because I am not where my friends are. But that is ok. I am where I need to be.
I am so proud of you, and excited for you to be taking these leaps and training so hard for your goals. I bet you anything, those Boston-bound runners look at you with admiration, because of your achievements, and your determination. I bet those master swimmers would think you are doing awesome just by being in the water and giving it your all. Glad you are keeping your perspective despite a hard week. It is difficult to do! Next week, will be better. *high five*
you know the other runner cheer me on as they pass me...Go Ally cat! one guy says every time. I know they welcome me and do not judge me, that one is all on me. I have to stop apologizing for being slow and be proud for being there. You are a great runner Caroline and a great inspiration tackling fear of swimming and the Tough Mudder in May.
DeleteThose weeks are so hard. We are our own worst critics. No one else minds that you are there. No one else doubts you or thinks you don't deserve those things. Our own minds can be our worst enemies. I'll have to remind myself of this in a few weeks. I am planning on hiring a trainer to help me start lifting. Today my arms are sore from lifting a bar with 25Lb weights on it. This one is really going to challenge my will. Good for you for sticking to it!
ReplyDeleteHang in there Allyson...self doubt is a natural part of this journey. Consider perhaps that if you didn't have these moments of negative "whatever", THEN worry. =) Overcoming old habits, old mental pathways will take a long time and you have come sooooo far from where you have been. Have faith. You did it, and will keep doing it...
ReplyDeleteWhen I have a bad run I dwell on it for 1 minute then I go back to the drawing board and figure out why (more water,gel,stride too long)I ran my 2nd marathon on Sunday and the last 9 miles were tough between 80 degree heat and nauseous (was dehydrated). I finished a little disappointed that I did more walking than running. I have too remind myself that its supposed to be fun and I beat last years time by 30 minutes and I'm 54!!
ReplyDeleteWell done on your 2nd marathon. I have yet to run a marathon, Disney 2014 will be my first.
DeleteI'll be there!!!
Deleteyou're running the 2014 Disney marathon as well, right on! My hubby is running the Goofy and I am coming along so I thought I would try the marathon. I did the Wine and Dine in Nov, had a blast.
DeleteI'm going to run the Goofy (there I've said it now I have to) and the Wine and Dine is on my bucket list. The Princess Half is also a fun time, this year will be my third.
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